To my ex lover

I can't deny that I've had the best times with you. You knew me more than any other person — my crazy quirks, my endless secrets, my stupid routines — everything. I have poured every inch of my being to you. I have loved you with all my heart.

I'm not writing this letter because I want to hurt you. I'm writing this because this is the only way I can repair myself. This is my way of mending the wounds you left; my way of filling the empty holes that are slowly consuming me — because the pain has to stop somehow.

Do you still remember? How fearful I was to get attached to you? I think that was our first real argument. I was so scared to have something so beautiful, that suddenly, I have something to lose. And then, the inevitable came. I lost the one thing I wanted the most — I lost you.

Some people may say you were the one who lost. I was the one who ended this, right? I was the one who called it quits. In situations more than I could count, I tried to convince myself that you were the one who lost something worth-holding on to.
But to tell you the truth? We both lost.

I lost the boy that I loved. I lost the person who made me the happiest. I lost the daily messages and the sweet phone calls. I lost the forehead kisses and the routinely walk-home's. I lost the stupid movie marathons and the nightly pillow talks — and God knows how much I'll miss them.

But I also started losing the sadness that came with loving you. I started losing the self-hate and the questions that always lingered my mind: Was I not enough? Am I doing something wrong? Do you not love me anymore? I started losing the tears that came every time I thought about you. One night, it just stopped. I could not cry about you anymore. I could not keep beating myself up just because you do not see my value. I may have lost you, but I found myself in the process of doing so. So for that, I thank you.

I thank you for the broken promises, and the hurtful words. I thank you for the blatant excuses and the lies that came with them. I thank you for all the times you chose other people over me (and God knows how painful it is to be your least priority). I thank you for the inconsistency and the plans never made into action. I thank you for the days I spent locked inside my room, wondering if I did something wrong. I thank you for the heartbreak. It is indeed painful — more than I could ever put into words. But it helped me, somehow. So thank you.

I can't lie. My heart still shatters every time I'm reminded of you. Hell, I'd still tear myself apart for you in a heartbeat. But I'm slowly learning to stop. My pen would always bleed your name, that's the truth. You would always be a part of me. But someday — sooner, I hope — I'll finally be able to let you go. This letter is one step closer to moving on, and I find comfort in that.

I have loved you, maybe I still do.
But then again, the pain has to stop somehow. I always wished the best for you. But maybe the best for you does not include me — and I'm starting to learn how to live with that. I hope you do too.

Leila Rufino

They told me I couldn't.
Thats why I Did.

lost yet found.

The people who say ‘one person won’t make a difference’ are usually the ones who have gotten comfortable with the way things are and don’t want things to change so they try to convince others or themselves that one person cannot make a difference. 
But that’s a lie because all it takes is one person to make a difference.

I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps but other people emphasize my loneliness.

Dear John.

Why She Stayed.

She was once happy where she was. There were infinite possibilities—the love they shared was deep and powerful—she was desperate to rekindle that.

In the beginning, it felt wonderful and joyous as they were exploring new things together and she was learning so much about herself.

She remembered the fun they used to have and how fulfilled she was. He was everything she thought she wanted.

Her friends and family used to comment on how happy she was, as if they were envious of the joy she radiated. They wanted it too, or so she thought.

When things started to change, and the feelings began to dissipate, she wondered where she went wrong. She was hopeful that it would come back that strong again.

She was upset with herself, that she was somehow to blame.

She felt that staying showed her commitment and she was worried that she may leave too soon and live to regret it.

She waited for things to get better. She stayed optimistic that things would change.

She questioned many times if she should leave. That was the first sign that she should.

So instead, she looked for signs that she should stay. And sometimes when she looked hard enough, she found them.
She knew, in some ways that she was settling, but still she questioned if there would be anything better.

Besides, it wasn’t terrible and there was still some good left. Others certainly had it worse, she would justify.

She felt some safety in knowing what to expect, as if being comfortable brought happiness. It didn’t.
She had many ways to rationalize why she should stay.

She was scared about what she was giving up, and worried about what she may lose if she left.
But she didn’t consider what it was costing her to stay.

She started to uncover the courage and strength that she knew she always had. She weighed the risks.

Now, she was tired. She was defeated. She was resentful. She had given up her own power and happiness and she knew it was too far-gone.

She spoke to friends and she built up a tribe around her. They supported her. They always did.

She remembered how much potential she had and how the choice to stay was hurting her.

She let go of the guilt and blame that she had done something wrong. She hadn’t.

She finally had enough. She realized that it was no longer serving her. It was making her sad, hurt and frustrated.

She had given until there was nothing left to give. She wanted to smile and laugh again, like she did when it first began.

She knew it was inevitable that she would leave, but she didn’t know when. She didn’t know how. She knew she was stalling.

But she wondered what she was waiting for.

But finally, she left. The sadness became too much, the stress too overwhelming and the hurt enclosed her.

It was time to move on and she had found the strength. She realized that the only one holding her back was herself.

She was terrified of the aftermath. How would she cope? Who would she be without this part of her life that she had held onto for so long?

She picked herself up, she found the courage and she believed in herself. She knew she was strong, she knew she would survive.

She thought back to who she was before she weakened and how amazing and accomplished she was. How she lived her life without fear—she felt joy and passion. She found inspiration in that.

When it was all said and done, it was like a breath of fresh air. And she smiled again. Just like she knew she would.

She survived and she proved her strength. Not to anyone else, but to herself. She became aware of how much she had sacrificed and how unhappy she had been.

Life started to unfold around her and happiness began to pursue her. She didn’t need to reach for it with outstretched arms like she thought.

Happiness found her.

She still holds onto the happy memories, but she decided she deserved to be unconditionally happy. She decided that her life was worth pure bliss and that she didn’t need to rationalize her choices any longer.

For all of the amazing women of the world, may you find the strength and the courage to live the life of joy you are worthy of and finally take that breath of fresh air.

The soul resides in places we often fail to notice
Deep within that shallowness

Hollow decadent 

Sinking gratification

All but another pretense of the naked self

Lashy Brown Eye
Tipped Nose 
Chapped Lips

Clean rustic scent
Blonde waxed hair
Sleepy warm voice
Inked skinned
The
Perfect imperfections 

& I'm 8ft further.

You.

Some flames were meant to burn out fast

But it didnt matter

What matter is we 

In the moment.

When tomorrow comes 

I'll be all alone

Being frightened up 

The things that I dont know

When tomorrow comes

When tomorrow comes

Forever x

You said
She believed
You lied
She cried.

intense deprivation...

on replay

Laughters
Tears
Silly faces
Messy hair
Incessant noises
Whines, squrim, chirp, squel
Flashbacks vividness 

How greatly missed

x

Emotions are heartfelt
Unexplainable
Yet you can hear the cries
So Loud yet precise
No words can ever replace
That.

Gratitude

Days nights

Hours minutes

Receding past

Effortless struggles

Withdrawals

Rained poured
Heart staled 
Selfless mind
Chasing airs
The life I had
Vaporates 
Thousands to one 
Speech
We
You 
Her &
I.

They asked you to apologize 
for who you are, 
so I told you: 
who you are is how you survive, 
and how you survive is how you live. 
and we don’t apologize for survival. 

Don’t apologize for that day 
you couldn’t get out of bed. 
too exhausted to even function, 
they told you to stop being lazy 
and get your life together 
so I told you 
there’s a type of exhaustion 
that no amount of sleep can ever fix 
exhaustion that comes from 
thoughts that suffocate 
and problems you can’t even control, 
so you curled up and stayed in bed
because this is how you’ll survive the day 
and we don’t apologize for survival.

Don’t apologize when you stopped caring 
for that person who was too blind too see it 
who took all that you gave 
and never did the same, 
they told you to stop being 
so heartless 
so I told you, 
the heartless person once cared too much 
and when you care 
you give everything you have 
and there’s only so much you can give, 
until you don’t have anything left
to give to the ones that deserve it better.
So you stopped caring and 
they called you heartless, 
but this is the kind of heartless you become to survive
and we don’t apologize for survival. 

Don’t apologize for the time 
you shut off your phone 
too tired to reply 
to problems that never end 
and to people that betray you
the second you blink
they told you what happened 
to friendships you chose to have 
and promises to always be there
so I told you 
there are people who only 
acknowledge your existence when
you’re needed, 
and people who suffocate you 
with negativity that just grows , 
so you shut off your phone and 
decided to breathe because this is how you’ll survive
and we don’t apologize for survival. 
Don’t apologize for the moment 
you shut down because you’re too sad 
the sad that fills every empty part of you 
and drowns you before you get the chance to swim, 
they told you to get up and get over it 
for there are bigger problems and 
bigger tragedies, 
and some things things just don’t deserve 
that kind of sadness.
So I told you, 
one problem can never be compared to another
you’re allowed to be just as sad 
as you want to be 
for there’s a kind of sad that can never 
be explained in words 
and that’s just okay. 
So you shut down and 
let out the sadness in you to survive 
and we don’t apologize for survival.

Don’t apologize for not being able to work 
just as much as someone else, 
and you hate yourself for not
achieving just as much,
thinking you haven’t given your all
when you have. 
They told you to stop being so weak 
and try harder 
so I told you, 
your best will always be different 
from their best 
and your abilities will never be 
their abilities. 
and when your all isn’t enough for something 
then it probably isn’t meant for you.
So you work at your own pace and 
stop pushing yourself beyond capacity to survive 
and we don’t apologize for survival. 

Don’t apologize for times you decide
to turn everything around and change plans 
or for actions you take that lead you down
all the different roads, 
they told you to start being responsible 
and having set goals and plans
for that is how success is achieved
so I told you, 
we live to see where life will take us 
and we live not to follow 
but to create
and endlessly re create over and over.
So when things don’t go 
according to plan 
or when you start over with something else
that is not called failure 
but success at its own definitions 
and its own pace 
so you plan and build your own success
to live and survive, 
and we don’t apologize for survival.

But you look back 
and replay everything they say 
over and over anyway,
and you think there’s no way 
the mess of who you are 
has the ability to survive like this 
but you don’t even realize 
that is what you’ve been doing 
the entire time, 
you’ve been surviving 
and we don’t apologize for survival

You tried to change didn’t you?
 closed your mouth more
 tried to be softer
 prettier
 less volatile, less awake 
but even when sleeping you could feel 
him travelling away from you in his dreams 
so what did you want to do love
 split his head open? 
you can’t make homes out of human beings 
someone should have already told you that 
and if he wants to leave
 then let him leave 
you are terrifying 
and strange and beautiful
 something not everyone knows how to love.

I rested my cheek at the top of your voluminous hair, and the air filled the narrow crevices of my nose with a pungency of vulnerability; the odor of bones breaking and limbs disentangling and ribcage being cut into two. the colour of the sky was a sad, cerulean blue, and its as if he was sharing some of his extensive melancholia to us. the road signs had vandalised profanity in it, some had crawling vines hugging its metal rods. it was exactly three fifty eight in the afternoon, and the humidity seemed to thicken and crystallize into a duvet that hugged the frail lengths of our bodies. not to be a bit fascist, but i want you to remember the details of that day, no matter how small you deemed them to be. i had engraved all these little details in my mind like an indelible tattoo against my parchment skin, and i hope you do it to yours too
for it was that day, that am and pm betwixt the sun’s falling and moon’s waking, when flowerless tombs settled within me; the day i had tearful teacups for heavy eyes and crisscrossing metal beams for a tired and tinder heart
we stood there, above the stationary ground and unsettling umbrella clouds, between a yellow leprous school bus and a decrepit two-storey apartment, we stood there, our hands trapping each other like selfish blacksmiths in an era of iron scarcity. we looked like a suburban romeo and juliet. we looked like sofia coppola’s take on trip fontaine and lux lisbon, and we looked like unsubmissive louvre runners in godard’s band of outsiders. i yearned and itched and dreamed of whispering soft prose in your red ears; a poetry of my name and your name and a couple of similes and a couple of metaphors. the silence the clouds held spoke volumes, and it jostled me to the edge of insanity
i forgot my name. i forgot how things function and i forgot every prose, every tale, every story ever told when you looked up and looked at me with tearful eyes. i forgot the abcs, the 123s, i forgot to will my chest to rise and to fall and to rise and to fall, and suddenly i was disinclined to breathing. i was disinclined to breathing and i was inclined at the mural in front of me; its supposedly clear canvas pigmented with messy bleaches of all things bitter and all things sweet and all things bittersweet. the yellow bus went sour orange in hue and the sky changed from melancholic blue to weeping gray and i was looking at the kind of poetry i would probably need a lifelong IV hookup of
your eyes breed doorknobs in my lungs, and in my stomach a couple of padlocks, and i thought, if this is what love feels like, then i’d asphyxiate myself and swallow all the doorknob keys and padlock keys and keep them knotted in my throat
but you went away, step by step; you went away. since then, my eyes buoyed with a paperback of all my unsung words. since then, my tongue couldn’t taste anything but pure regret, and since then, nobody had cared to leave a flower and light a candle in the graveyard inside my ribcage
you brought with you the flowers in my eyes and the sun in my belly and since then, i became illusory
not to be a bit fascist, but i suggest you do not hand all of your bones and limbs to another person