To my ex lover

I can't deny that I've had the best times with you. You knew me more than any other person — my crazy quirks, my endless secrets, my stupid routines — everything. I have poured every inch of my being to you. I have loved you with all my heart.

I'm not writing this letter because I want to hurt you. I'm writing this because this is the only way I can repair myself. This is my way of mending the wounds you left; my way of filling the empty holes that are slowly consuming me — because the pain has to stop somehow.

Do you still remember? How fearful I was to get attached to you? I think that was our first real argument. I was so scared to have something so beautiful, that suddenly, I have something to lose. And then, the inevitable came. I lost the one thing I wanted the most — I lost you.

Some people may say you were the one who lost. I was the one who ended this, right? I was the one who called it quits. In situations more than I could count, I tried to convince myself that you were the one who lost something worth-holding on to.
But to tell you the truth? We both lost.

I lost the boy that I loved. I lost the person who made me the happiest. I lost the daily messages and the sweet phone calls. I lost the forehead kisses and the routinely walk-home's. I lost the stupid movie marathons and the nightly pillow talks — and God knows how much I'll miss them.

But I also started losing the sadness that came with loving you. I started losing the self-hate and the questions that always lingered my mind: Was I not enough? Am I doing something wrong? Do you not love me anymore? I started losing the tears that came every time I thought about you. One night, it just stopped. I could not cry about you anymore. I could not keep beating myself up just because you do not see my value. I may have lost you, but I found myself in the process of doing so. So for that, I thank you.

I thank you for the broken promises, and the hurtful words. I thank you for the blatant excuses and the lies that came with them. I thank you for all the times you chose other people over me (and God knows how painful it is to be your least priority). I thank you for the inconsistency and the plans never made into action. I thank you for the days I spent locked inside my room, wondering if I did something wrong. I thank you for the heartbreak. It is indeed painful — more than I could ever put into words. But it helped me, somehow. So thank you.

I can't lie. My heart still shatters every time I'm reminded of you. Hell, I'd still tear myself apart for you in a heartbeat. But I'm slowly learning to stop. My pen would always bleed your name, that's the truth. You would always be a part of me. But someday — sooner, I hope — I'll finally be able to let you go. This letter is one step closer to moving on, and I find comfort in that.

I have loved you, maybe I still do.
But then again, the pain has to stop somehow. I always wished the best for you. But maybe the best for you does not include me — and I'm starting to learn how to live with that. I hope you do too.

Leila Rufino

They told me I couldn't.
Thats why I Did.

lost yet found.

The people who say ‘one person won’t make a difference’ are usually the ones who have gotten comfortable with the way things are and don’t want things to change so they try to convince others or themselves that one person cannot make a difference. 
But that’s a lie because all it takes is one person to make a difference.

I am lonely, yet not everybody will do. I don’t know why, some people fill the gaps but other people emphasize my loneliness.

Dear John.

Why She Stayed.

She was once happy where she was. There were infinite possibilities—the love they shared was deep and powerful—she was desperate to rekindle that.

In the beginning, it felt wonderful and joyous as they were exploring new things together and she was learning so much about herself.

She remembered the fun they used to have and how fulfilled she was. He was everything she thought she wanted.

Her friends and family used to comment on how happy she was, as if they were envious of the joy she radiated. They wanted it too, or so she thought.

When things started to change, and the feelings began to dissipate, she wondered where she went wrong. She was hopeful that it would come back that strong again.

She was upset with herself, that she was somehow to blame.

She felt that staying showed her commitment and she was worried that she may leave too soon and live to regret it.

She waited for things to get better. She stayed optimistic that things would change.

She questioned many times if she should leave. That was the first sign that she should.

So instead, she looked for signs that she should stay. And sometimes when she looked hard enough, she found them.
She knew, in some ways that she was settling, but still she questioned if there would be anything better.

Besides, it wasn’t terrible and there was still some good left. Others certainly had it worse, she would justify.

She felt some safety in knowing what to expect, as if being comfortable brought happiness. It didn’t.
She had many ways to rationalize why she should stay.

She was scared about what she was giving up, and worried about what she may lose if she left.
But she didn’t consider what it was costing her to stay.

She started to uncover the courage and strength that she knew she always had. She weighed the risks.

Now, she was tired. She was defeated. She was resentful. She had given up her own power and happiness and she knew it was too far-gone.

She spoke to friends and she built up a tribe around her. They supported her. They always did.

She remembered how much potential she had and how the choice to stay was hurting her.

She let go of the guilt and blame that she had done something wrong. She hadn’t.

She finally had enough. She realized that it was no longer serving her. It was making her sad, hurt and frustrated.

She had given until there was nothing left to give. She wanted to smile and laugh again, like she did when it first began.

She knew it was inevitable that she would leave, but she didn’t know when. She didn’t know how. She knew she was stalling.

But she wondered what she was waiting for.

But finally, she left. The sadness became too much, the stress too overwhelming and the hurt enclosed her.

It was time to move on and she had found the strength. She realized that the only one holding her back was herself.

She was terrified of the aftermath. How would she cope? Who would she be without this part of her life that she had held onto for so long?

She picked herself up, she found the courage and she believed in herself. She knew she was strong, she knew she would survive.

She thought back to who she was before she weakened and how amazing and accomplished she was. How she lived her life without fear—she felt joy and passion. She found inspiration in that.

When it was all said and done, it was like a breath of fresh air. And she smiled again. Just like she knew she would.

She survived and she proved her strength. Not to anyone else, but to herself. She became aware of how much she had sacrificed and how unhappy she had been.

Life started to unfold around her and happiness began to pursue her. She didn’t need to reach for it with outstretched arms like she thought.

Happiness found her.

She still holds onto the happy memories, but she decided she deserved to be unconditionally happy. She decided that her life was worth pure bliss and that she didn’t need to rationalize her choices any longer.

For all of the amazing women of the world, may you find the strength and the courage to live the life of joy you are worthy of and finally take that breath of fresh air.