Days nights

Hours minutes

Receding past

Effortless struggles

Withdrawals

Rained poured
Heart staled 
Selfless mind
Chasing airs
The life I had
Vaporates 
Thousands to one 
Speech
We
You 
Her &
I.

They asked you to apologize 
for who you are, 
so I told you: 
who you are is how you survive, 
and how you survive is how you live. 
and we don’t apologize for survival. 

Don’t apologize for that day 
you couldn’t get out of bed. 
too exhausted to even function, 
they told you to stop being lazy 
and get your life together 
so I told you 
there’s a type of exhaustion 
that no amount of sleep can ever fix 
exhaustion that comes from 
thoughts that suffocate 
and problems you can’t even control, 
so you curled up and stayed in bed
because this is how you’ll survive the day 
and we don’t apologize for survival.

Don’t apologize when you stopped caring 
for that person who was too blind too see it 
who took all that you gave 
and never did the same, 
they told you to stop being 
so heartless 
so I told you, 
the heartless person once cared too much 
and when you care 
you give everything you have 
and there’s only so much you can give, 
until you don’t have anything left
to give to the ones that deserve it better.
So you stopped caring and 
they called you heartless, 
but this is the kind of heartless you become to survive
and we don’t apologize for survival. 

Don’t apologize for the time 
you shut off your phone 
too tired to reply 
to problems that never end 
and to people that betray you
the second you blink
they told you what happened 
to friendships you chose to have 
and promises to always be there
so I told you 
there are people who only 
acknowledge your existence when
you’re needed, 
and people who suffocate you 
with negativity that just grows , 
so you shut off your phone and 
decided to breathe because this is how you’ll survive
and we don’t apologize for survival. 
Don’t apologize for the moment 
you shut down because you’re too sad 
the sad that fills every empty part of you 
and drowns you before you get the chance to swim, 
they told you to get up and get over it 
for there are bigger problems and 
bigger tragedies, 
and some things things just don’t deserve 
that kind of sadness.
So I told you, 
one problem can never be compared to another
you’re allowed to be just as sad 
as you want to be 
for there’s a kind of sad that can never 
be explained in words 
and that’s just okay. 
So you shut down and 
let out the sadness in you to survive 
and we don’t apologize for survival.

Don’t apologize for not being able to work 
just as much as someone else, 
and you hate yourself for not
achieving just as much,
thinking you haven’t given your all
when you have. 
They told you to stop being so weak 
and try harder 
so I told you, 
your best will always be different 
from their best 
and your abilities will never be 
their abilities. 
and when your all isn’t enough for something 
then it probably isn’t meant for you.
So you work at your own pace and 
stop pushing yourself beyond capacity to survive 
and we don’t apologize for survival. 

Don’t apologize for times you decide
to turn everything around and change plans 
or for actions you take that lead you down
all the different roads, 
they told you to start being responsible 
and having set goals and plans
for that is how success is achieved
so I told you, 
we live to see where life will take us 
and we live not to follow 
but to create
and endlessly re create over and over.
So when things don’t go 
according to plan 
or when you start over with something else
that is not called failure 
but success at its own definitions 
and its own pace 
so you plan and build your own success
to live and survive, 
and we don’t apologize for survival.

But you look back 
and replay everything they say 
over and over anyway,
and you think there’s no way 
the mess of who you are 
has the ability to survive like this 
but you don’t even realize 
that is what you’ve been doing 
the entire time, 
you’ve been surviving 
and we don’t apologize for survival

You tried to change didn’t you?
 closed your mouth more
 tried to be softer
 prettier
 less volatile, less awake 
but even when sleeping you could feel 
him travelling away from you in his dreams 
so what did you want to do love
 split his head open? 
you can’t make homes out of human beings 
someone should have already told you that 
and if he wants to leave
 then let him leave 
you are terrifying 
and strange and beautiful
 something not everyone knows how to love.

I rested my cheek at the top of your voluminous hair, and the air filled the narrow crevices of my nose with a pungency of vulnerability; the odor of bones breaking and limbs disentangling and ribcage being cut into two. the colour of the sky was a sad, cerulean blue, and its as if he was sharing some of his extensive melancholia to us. the road signs had vandalised profanity in it, some had crawling vines hugging its metal rods. it was exactly three fifty eight in the afternoon, and the humidity seemed to thicken and crystallize into a duvet that hugged the frail lengths of our bodies. not to be a bit fascist, but i want you to remember the details of that day, no matter how small you deemed them to be. i had engraved all these little details in my mind like an indelible tattoo against my parchment skin, and i hope you do it to yours too
for it was that day, that am and pm betwixt the sun’s falling and moon’s waking, when flowerless tombs settled within me; the day i had tearful teacups for heavy eyes and crisscrossing metal beams for a tired and tinder heart
we stood there, above the stationary ground and unsettling umbrella clouds, between a yellow leprous school bus and a decrepit two-storey apartment, we stood there, our hands trapping each other like selfish blacksmiths in an era of iron scarcity. we looked like a suburban romeo and juliet. we looked like sofia coppola’s take on trip fontaine and lux lisbon, and we looked like unsubmissive louvre runners in godard’s band of outsiders. i yearned and itched and dreamed of whispering soft prose in your red ears; a poetry of my name and your name and a couple of similes and a couple of metaphors. the silence the clouds held spoke volumes, and it jostled me to the edge of insanity
i forgot my name. i forgot how things function and i forgot every prose, every tale, every story ever told when you looked up and looked at me with tearful eyes. i forgot the abcs, the 123s, i forgot to will my chest to rise and to fall and to rise and to fall, and suddenly i was disinclined to breathing. i was disinclined to breathing and i was inclined at the mural in front of me; its supposedly clear canvas pigmented with messy bleaches of all things bitter and all things sweet and all things bittersweet. the yellow bus went sour orange in hue and the sky changed from melancholic blue to weeping gray and i was looking at the kind of poetry i would probably need a lifelong IV hookup of
your eyes breed doorknobs in my lungs, and in my stomach a couple of padlocks, and i thought, if this is what love feels like, then i’d asphyxiate myself and swallow all the doorknob keys and padlock keys and keep them knotted in my throat
but you went away, step by step; you went away. since then, my eyes buoyed with a paperback of all my unsung words. since then, my tongue couldn’t taste anything but pure regret, and since then, nobody had cared to leave a flower and light a candle in the graveyard inside my ribcage
you brought with you the flowers in my eyes and the sun in my belly and since then, i became illusory
not to be a bit fascist, but i suggest you do not hand all of your bones and limbs to another person

“The way you slam your body into mine reminds me I’m alive, but monsters are always hungry, darling, and they’re only a few steps behind you, finding the flaw, the poor weld, the place where we weren’t stitched up quite right, the place they could almost slip right into through if the skin wasn’t trying to keep them out, to keep them here, on the other side of the theater where the curtain keeps rising. I crawled out the window and ran into the woods. I had to make up all the words myself. The way they taste, the way they sound in the air. I passed through the narrow gate, stumbled in, stumbled around for a while, and stumbled back out. I made this place for you. A place for you to love me. If this isn’t a kingdom then I don’t know what is.

right now, someone is falling in love. someone is having their first kiss and getting the butterflies in their stomach. someone is holding their newborn baby. someone’s having a birthday. someone is laughing so hard their stomach hurts. someone is having a really good dream. someone is falling asleep thinking about someone they love. someone is dancing. someone is getting proposed to.       someone is happy

It only takes one person to change your life: you.

I woke up in the morning and I didn't want anything, 
didn't do anything, 
couldn't do it anyway.

And at some point the struggle becomes too much. Too tiring. And you consider letting go. Allowing tragedy or whatever to happen"

When you reach for the stars, you are reaching for the farthest thing out there. When you reach deep into yourself, it is the same thing, but in the opposite direction. If you reach in both directions, you will have spanned the universe.

你快乐吗？

On my broken wings I have gone through time and space and beyond On my broken wings I have tried to fly out of reach of my tears cried On broken wings I have touched hearts Some fears and other deeper inner parts On broken wings I have traveled the dark where hurt and pain have left me so marked On broken wings I have crossed the sky landed more broken without a reason why On broken wings I sit and pray for a light or a way to heal and fly beyond my sight On broken wings I want to soar so very high and see the wonders of spirits gone by On broken wings I want to get beyond all the pain I wonder how far I can fly in all this pouring rain

Bits and pieces

For the past few days my inner self been urging me to blog. It haven occur to me that this whole time my site been so dead or maybe it's existence shows little significance. Well but here I am, back to my little diary. I could have easily wrote an essay about my life but how do I start? Things happened. part of me wishing god's got my life planned out, I wished I could do more in the past haven felt I have lived life to the fullest. As old sayings, too much things yet to little time. Good & bad, gained some lose some. Grown much.

I think that the whole point of being with someone is so you can talk to them and let go of everything; and even when you're at your worst, they still like you, they still want to speak to you and care about you.

Get it right.

What have I done? I wish I could run. 
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help, hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just want to fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
'Cause I can't go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right

So I throw up my fist
Throw a punch in the air
And accept the truth, that sometimes life isn't fair
Yeah, I'll send out a wish
Yeah, I'll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight.

One makes mistakes, gets led astray, digresses. If one could see one’s crooked progress as a kind of experiment, without wishing for an impossible security – nothing interesting happens without daring – some kind of stillness might be attained. You can, of course, experiment with your own life. But maybe you shouldn’t do it with other people’s.

男人最骄傲的不是睡过多少女人，而是能有一个女人愿意让他睡一辈子。
女人最骄傲的不是拥有多少男人，而是她的男人愿意为他拒绝多少女人。